by SUMMARIZE!
The book is an extensive deep dive into a communication and counseling model that Dr. James Petersen invented after years of experience in the field. The analogy of a “Flat-Brain” person is original and unlike other explanations of what happens to a person when they get very emotional. There are three body functions illustrated in the book that determine the elements of a person’s communication. The stomach function is based on feelings, the heart function is about relationships, and the head is on logical thinking. All three are important to be successful.
Petersen discusses the most common and negative type of communication between two people which is the “Flat-Brain Tango.” He explains that a person is in one of two roles, talking or listening. The main content of the book is an explanation of this counseling model around the two modes of a person when communicating. There is a handout to assist with the guidelines of each role as a reminder for each person to understand who owns the problem, what their goal is in the process, and what he or she should not be doing. The talker owns the problem and needs to share until a solution can be reached. The listener is like a midwife, providing safety and assisting with the creation of the solution. Petersen also provides thirty-one techniques (e.g. putting a number to the feelings, when a person starts to cry, and motivation levels) to help the reader understand and apply the key points of the counseling process. Chapter 23 provides a game version of this to be used with family and friends as this is a communication process that should be used by everyone.
The listening role takes up a lot of the book as it is the role that we should be in most of the time. There are chapters for a lot of different situations (e.g. spouse arguments, suicide, dreams, etc.) and how to manage ten common communication traps (e.g. one-word answers, accusations in the form of questions, etc.). The book is great for anyone that wants to be more effective at communicating with other people when there is a problem or issue that he or she wants to discuss or when asked to listen to another person’s problems or issues.
RESPOND!
There are a lot of parts in the book that trigger past experiences for me as I have had Flat-Brain Syndrome countless times. Chapter 4 explains that our stomachs expand with an overload of mixed emotions, our hearts turn bricklike, and our brain goes flat. Petersen states, “Flat-Brained folks tend to think that others are the problem.”[1] The “Me I see NOW” has a lot of this thinking when I get upset. My wife and I are going on our second year with season tickets to the University of Maryland Men’s Basketball games. Last season, we agreed that we would leave the house exactly one hour before tipoff so we would have enough time to drive, park, walk, get through security, buy snacks and drinks, and get to our seats. My recent example is where I was upset with my wife because we were constantly leaving the house late and it would stress me out. On this occasion, I got out of the Jeep and went back into the house with a Flat-Brain and I started complaining loudly about how she constantly makes me stressed out and have to drive fast to get back on schedule. This is classic Flat-Brain Syndrome where I am accusing her of my anger and frustration. She of course, gets defensive and informs me that she has a lot to do before leaving which include brushing teeth, ironing the clothes for both of us to wear, and doing her hair which all take time to do and sometimes longer than she expects. Of course I wonder why she does not do some of the items earlier and plan more time, but that does not go far in the conversation. As you can see, we are now doing the Flat-Brain Tango. This book is a good reminder that the problem is mine to solve and not hers. I need to calmly set aside time to sit down with her and talk through my issue and then turn the card over and listen to her perspective so we can hopefully find a solution to my problem. Petersen states, “Many of us find it hard to talk without accusing, or listen without defending, and so goes the Flat-Brain Tango.”[2]
REFLECT!
It has been a while since I have read a physical paper book and used a highlighter so much. Earlier this week, I started using a couple of listening techniques while communicating with my wife. The “Me I Want to See SOON” will be using more listening techniques when counseling my family and friends. Acknowledge is the first listening technique and this technique helps give space between the thud and my response. I was surprised to read that feeling guilty is an emotion and thinking we are guilty is a thought.[3] I will now determine which form of guilt is being revealed before addressing it properly.
Alternating between feelings and thoughts is an “ah ha” moment for me as I can see the need for it with my daughter after I read the book and reviewed my highlights. Petersen states, “The listener helped the talker alternate feelings and thought, that is, ‘label, define, and describe’ them.”[4] How to handle a thud is important to me as it determines if the Flat-Brain Tango will be the next step or something more constructive. I agree that the this is a fundamental attitude adjustment and should be called putting love into action.[5] The illustration used for decode is very similar to intention versus impact in my previous training on a persons actions. Here, it is about communication of what the person meant versus what was heard. I will use decode a lot when counseling as this will ensure clarity on what is being communicated to me and maybe assist the person in the future with understanding how to make sure both are aligned correctly.
Adults are complex individuals and when we are done with Bible Study, we get together with each other individually and do prayer in small groups. Some of the people have a mix of feelings and I can now acknowledge this and use alternating hand gestures to help others understand it is okay to have more than one concern at a time. Making sure the talker continues to own the problem is another change I will make immediately as I do have a tendency to offer suggestions rather than have the person come to a solution.
ACT!
As I get more engaged with evangelism in the public, and fellowship with the congregation at church, the “Me I Want to BECOME” is getting clearer. Effective communication and counseling is constantly going to need improvement as I want to be great at counseling others and learning to be better with my communication skills. I will start with family and close friends including our deacons.
Over the past several months, I have had small group prayers with different men in the congregation and we normally pray at that time about our struggles and then do not follow up on the issues that were discussed. An immediate action for me is to keep track of the different issues with each person and reach out and schedule counseling sessions to make sure I am assisting them as much as I can. This book will assist me as I feel comfortable using the model and will review the ten communication traps periodically so they do not hinder my growth. There are a lot of listening techniques that I need to review and test as some will come naturally to me while others will require more discipline until they become automatic.
I see a lot of the men in our congregation going through difficulties, and I want to be a resource to help our pastor and the deacons as they are showing signs of burnout and more leadership is needed now as we continue to grow each year. I decided to move this course up on my schedule as I want to be as impactful as possible and take PACO 603: Premarital and Marital Counseling as my elective course. Helping others and my family improve communication increases the amount of time that can be spent in the Word of God and following Jesus Christ.
My calling is to be a pastor and pastoral counseling is part of the role that I look forward to. The more times I can use the Talker and Listener model with the techniques listed, the easier it will be for me to help everyone stay focused on following Jesus Christ and following his lead.
** Note from Author when exchanging emails – Shawn, thanks so much for sending a copy of the paper you wrote on my book. I have received a number of them and I’ve not had one that had a better understanding and the ability to describe it. Nice work and thanks again for sharing. I wish you well in your ministry, Jim.
** Note from Professor – Great job! Thank you for interacting with the material on a personal level. – Richard Nichols
Bibliography
Petersen, James C. Why Don’t We Listen Better?. Portland, OR: Petersen Publications, 2022.
[1] James C. Peterson, Why Don’t We Listen Better? (Portland, OR: Peterson Publications, 2022), 31.
[2] Peterson, Why, 50.
[3] Ibid., 19.
[4] Ibid., 54.
[5] Ibid., 57.